It’s just a wonderful phrase that flows so effortlessly off the tongue: Chinese Sex Dummies. Sounds like the latest Swedish bad but angry garage band. You know your sex life is bad when your own state news agency starts bagging on your sexual prowess. And that’s just what Xinhua did about their own. I bring to your attention a report they published on their own people. It read:
“Chinese are more ignorant about sex than any other subject.”
Sounds like me and chemistry in the 11th grade.
The phrase, “any other subject,” seems a bit boastful, if only in reverse. Are the Chinese more versed in say, cold fusion or the gestation period of the American bison?
Ever heard of Xu Tianming? He’s president of the China Sexology Society. Quoth Xu: “In the survey we conducted, not only youngsters but many grown-ups are sex idiots, which is really dangerous and woeful.”
Now there’s a beautiful phrase.
Sex Idiot.
Next time some knucklehead cuts me off on the freeway, I’m going to roll down my window and scream: “SEX IDIOT!”
Sounds like the Palmdale garage band’s version of the Sex Pistols.
Wait. Xu has more to say.
“More Chinese are ignorant about sex than about other knowledge, even including those having received higher education and experts of other fields.”
Something must have been lost in the translation because Xuey turns around and announces “people could only enjoy a normal sex life until the age of 25.”
Well tie me up, slap me on the heinie and make me donate something to the local Live Nude Zonta auction.
At first, in typical Western superiority, I chuckled at the Xu-man’s oddball interpretation.
“Only enjoying a normal sex life until the age of 25?” I reread, snickering.
Then it hit me. Cripes. Those Chinese guys have stumbled upon something. Twenty five is when most people get married. Well. For the first time. Factoring that in, you have to start monkeying around with the interpretation of the words, like: “enjoying,” “normal” and “25.”
I don’t know how it is for the girls, but if you’re a guy, as soon as you say, “I do,” it’s like you automatically start aging in dog years. Married life has its stresses on a man and 25 now is the new 50. Once you’re married, you mutating in one-year-for-seven-year increments: 25 to 32 to 39 to 46 to 53. Heck. Being married, you’re in your 70s by the time you hit 30.
I do have a problem with this study.
I’m having a little trouble believing that the Chinese have trouble figuring out sex. First off, there’s about 40 ka-trillion of them. For the last few decades, they’ve been lynching people who have a second kid.
Which I can appreciate.
Look at your own family. Isn’t it always the second kid who’s the big, fat P-R-O-B-L-E-M?
Over in China, the government distributes literature about not having sex. Here. My Cantonese is a little rusty, but let me translate from this pamphlet:
“And when the urge strikes for a male to perform the Western overbite, a wise thing to do is to conjure up visions of Nancy Pelosi, turning into dead pop icon Michael Jackson, sprouting fangs and tearing into your jugular vein. — Please clip this from People’s Newspaper and Post in a Conspicuous Spot on Headboard of your People’s Bed or Forehead of Loved One.”
I hate to be a party pooper, especially a communist party party pooper. But maybe there’s something to be said for both ignorance and innocence.
As the Chinese have developed a more open society in recent years, it seems the incidences of teenage pregnancy, adultery and divorce have risen drastically.
Sad.
It seems like the Chinese are turning into the Jews.
I’m speaking, of course, of the old fable. You heard about the world’s only Jewish porno film?
One minute of sex and an hour and 29 minutes of guilt?
With more than 100 major writing awards, including being named Best Humor Columnist in America (again) by the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, John Boston has no awards (or rewards) associated with the humanity’s oldest profession.