The new JoAnne Darcy Mosque & Library expansion in Canyon Country. Photo and news link courtesy of Jason Smisko.
CITY o’ SCLARITA LIBRARY TAKEOVER UPDATE, PART II — The library scam is going so well, the city council is also thinking about taking over construction of the mosque at Ground Zero in New York City and turning it into a SClarita library satellite branch.
JUST IN TIME FOR YOUR XMAS TRAVEL PLANS — One of our spies sent this little ditty about TSA. You know. Transportation Safety Administration? That federal security organization that diligently checks to see if all your naughty parts are in the right spots? It’s called:
TSA’s New Public Relation Slogans
— Grope discounts available.
— Can’t see London, can’t see France, unless we see your underpants.
— If we did our job any better, we’d have to buy you dinner first.
— Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.
— Don’t worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.
— We’ve handled more balls than Barney Frank. (Count Sauguslavsky disclaimer: Because the Mass. Congressman is a big Celtics fan, they mean, “basketballs.”)
— We are now free to move about your pants.
— It’s not a grope. It’s a freedom pat.
— We handle more packages than the USPS.
— Cough!
— Reach out and touch someone.
— When we’re done with you, you’ll need a cigarette.
SO JUST WHO IS SLEEPING WITH WHOM THIS DECEMBER? — The Count has it on good authority that the following happily married couples are actually sharing a bed this wintry month: Congressman Buck McKeon and his wife, Pat. State Assemblyman Cameron “Diaz” Smyth and his nearsighted bride, Lena; Valencia Acura (which means $65,000 Honda in Japanese) partners Don and Jerry Fleming (Yes. Sad but true. Cheri’s actually a guy and what a great-looking one, too.); Cosmetic moguls and Placerita-ites Dave & Eugenia Weston of Senna Cosmetics fame; and Pauline and Duane Harte, who only made the list because Duane still owes me $17 and change. The mooch.
SENSELESS PALMDALE BASHING — Awful rumor going around town that Dr. Greg Jenkins over at The Doctor’s Office (661-255-9355 if you need like the best darn doctor on Earth) is thinking about buying the Greater Antelope Valley General Hospital on J Street. Greg and his lovely wife, Michelle, scouted the region, but had some doubts. Seems they didn’t like the dogs hanging out by the E.R., waiting for scraps. On the bright side, bookkeeping is easier in Palmdale. You pay with either cash or chickens. Former Mayor Bob Kellar likes to go there for his check-ups. It’s the only hospital in Southern California that offers walkers with or without gun racks. Yes. Bob IS that old.
MORE SENSELESS PALMDALE BASHING — Poor Keller. He went to take his wife Kathy Keysor-Keller-Korndog for her annual physical to the Palmdale Hospital. Mrs. 4K didn’t want to stay when the M.D. examining her thought a genital was a non-Jewish person and that “benign” was what happens “after you be eight.” No. It got worse. Kathy Korndog was inquiring about a procedure involving barium and that scared the Palmdale doctor because he thought that’s what you do after the patient dies. Barium? Get it?
RE: THE ABOVE, EVERYONE IN THE SCV, ALL TOGETHER, SAY IT WITH US — Rectum? Damn near killed him…
RE: THE ABOVE — We have it on good authority that City Manager Ken Pulskamp is trying to make those 5 words the Official Motto for the City of SClarita. Wouldn’t you just kill to see that in 5-foot-tall letters splashed on all 8,016 of the city busses and Pulskamp’s city car, that spiffy new black Bentley?
OH NO SHE DIDN’T. — Oh yes she did. Fetching PR goddess Barbara Myler, who handles Lexus and the Hyatt Jazz concerts, was moving over Thanksgiving weekend. As manly men toiled to move a shiny stainless steel baker’s shelving unit into the truck, Myler Minderbinder dusted them off and commented o so Marilyn Monroe-ish: “Nice rack, don’t you think?” Many men fainted.
THAT DARN JOHN BOSTON’S NEW WEBSITE — is up and running. Local writer John Boston just launched the NEW and IMPROVED thebostonreport.net. It’s got a daily blog and tons of books to buy soon and exciting stuff to read. Be warned. You will get hooked. Pass the word so they’ll get hooked.
DOWNTOWN NEWHALL IMPROVEMENT, YEAR 123 — After more than a century of planning (you think we’re being tongue-in-cheek here; we ain’t) the City is rapidly nearing completion of Main Street, aka San Fernando Road, aka Spruce Street, aka Route 6, aka San Fernando Road, aka Main Street. In a perfect storm of recession, snail’s pace reconstruction, rerouting traffic, red tape, lack of parking and the fact that much of the current economy is centered around a large Hispanic/illegal alien population, it’s amazing how any business can stay open. Kudos to all on all sides who wake in the morning trying to make things better. Funny that they’ve been trying to improve Downtown Newhall since the 1880s and that just about every decade, there have been always moves to clean the place up. Say what you might, at least something has been done. Sure hope Downtown Newhall becomes the best possibility of itself.
RE: THE ABOVE — And here’s how you can help. The holidays might be tough for many. But if you are so moved, take a trip down to Downtown Newhall and do a little Christmas/holiday/godless heathen shopping and support the place. It’ll help you get to know your neighbors.
MARK YOUR CALENDARS — This Saturday, Dec. 4th, is the SClarita Literacy & Arts Fest. It’s at Newhall Park from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Guest speakers are Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein’s Monster, the latter who will point out: “Fire bad!”
RE: THE ABOVE — As Tweedie Bird once noted: “Wuh gonna dit a wippin’ if we dood it, we dood it” Dept., did you know that famed anchorman Peter Jennings, comedian Richard Pryor, Dave Thomas founder of Wendy’s, playwright George Bernard Shaw and George Eastman of Eastman/Kodak were all high school dropouts? So was Newhall Land’s Marlee Lauffer. This column runs again in a month and we’ll save space for our Beloved Queen of Dry Clean to deny it.
A LOVELY TIME WAS HAD BY ALL — Former Fillmore Mayor but more importantly Hart High legend Ernie Villegas entertained a bevy of SClarita socialites as his mansion over Thanksgiving weekend. Ernie is famed for being named The 8th Best Athlete of the 1960s at Hart High, placing 42 places above former Hart quarterback Dick Mosshart.
SEE YOU ON JANUARY 1st — We’ll be back right here at the West Ranch Beacon after the holidays with another Count Sauguslavsky’s Who’s Sleeping With Whom. In the meantime, shop local, vote often, take two and go to right…