Not that I actually subscribe to Bio-organic & Medicinal Chemistry. I think I got a three-month trial subscription by accident once on a magazine drive for a local junior high. Then, boy howdy, did I start getting calls from telemarketers.
You go through life thinking you know everything. Then, all of a sudden, you’re reading Bio-organic & Medicinal Chemistry and you find out that one of the main ingredients from citrus fruit aromas can protect rats from asthma.
Boy, am I relieved.
Call me a softy, but whenever I see an asthmatic rat huddled in a doorway, I always feel sorry for the little guy. Sitting up on his back paws, shivering, taking furtive hits off his tiny inhaler. It tugs at the heartstrings.
I guess that’s because it reminds me of my sibling-like substance, Joe Boston. As a small boy, he would dress in a mouse suit and nurse an inhaler while eating cheese.
What can I say. I have an interesting extended family.
Apparently, there is an ingredient in oranges and lemons called limonene. It can burn the ozone in a rat’s lungs. Ozone, besides being that spot you can never, ever visit unless you’re married, causes inflammation of the lungs.
Well. Itty-bitty lungs at least.
According to The Reuters News Agency — so it must be true — a Dr. Ehud Keinan just released his earth-shattering findings.
I’m confident tens of thousands of people lined the streets and cheered: “Hooray for Dr. Keinan! He’s found a cure for asthma in rats!! Yay! Hooray! Huzzah!” Then, they’d hoist him on their shoulders and gave him a ride around the streets of Israel, where his clinic is located.
I wonder how Dr. Keinan actually conducted his experiments.
“C’mon. Put down that poor excuse for Vicks VapoRub a second and try this orange peel. It won’t kill you, and, possibly, it might be hallucinogenic,” he assures an unsure rodent.
The rat, or my brother Joe, twitches his nose and looks up at Dr. Keinan, shakes his head, no, and holds on extra tight to his inhaler and turns his shoulder toward the researcher.
“Oh come on now,” says Dr. K. He grinds some orange peel to release the limonene and fills his lungs. “Ahhhh! See? Why, I feel great!”
The rat regards him for a second, then scampers off to his hole in the wainscoting. We hear labored breathing, followed by a couple of aerosol blasts and a satisfied deep inhalation of air into rat lungs.
“Aw, ya’ big sissy,” says Dr. Keinan, on his knees and peering into the lair.
Here’s a question.
Where do asthmatic rats get their little inhalers in the first place? Is there a little mouse hole next to the door of the Medicaid office? You peek in and there’s a waiting room filled with other rats with breathing difficulty issues, hooked up to oxygen canisters, all uncomfortably shifting in their chairs and reading little National Geographics from 1964. A rat in a nurse’s outfit and little white tennis shoes, clutching a clipboard, asks: “How many of you rats smoke?”
A few raise their hands.
“How many of you have been involved in aerosol perfume experiments, work for the federal government or are coal miners?”
A few more raise their little paws.
“Last question,” she says, itching her nose on her little forearm. “How many of you are here because you’re taking Celebrex and your entire circulatory system just kind of dissipated?”
One gray varmint starts to stand, places the back of his hand to his forehead, then keels over, dead.
“Pin a note to his chest and drag him over to Kaiser,” the nurse orders.
I’m not a scientist, but I’ll bet rats don’t catch asthma from the ozone. I think it’s from all that crawling around in the cobwebs. That’ll clog the pipes. If we want to truly help out coughing rats, I think we should supply them with little cans of Endust and some teeny-tiny rags. Have them clean out their ratholes, take responsibility for their lives and stop blaming us humans who are the ones truly suffering from the effects of the Industrial Revolution.
At the very least, if it’s not too much to ask — can someone please ask the rodents to cover their mouths while they’re coughing?
John Boston has earned 119 major awards for writing stuff. Besides The Mighty West Ranch Beacon, his work appears in the prestigious thebostonreport.net just about every darn day. His commentaries represent his own opinions and not necessarily the views of any organization he may be affiliated with or those of the West Ranch Beacon. Read Boston’s daily blog, his Daily English Muffins, the Adventures of Job Hunter and more of John Boston’s award-winning commentary on thebostonreport.net