Many years back, I had– in a completely non-biblical sort of way– an intern named Susan Deemer. She stayed at the paper I was working at just a few months for some dubious resume building but she left an indelible mark. Deemer was one of those rare reporters who was so beautiful and so sexy the other girls in the office hated her. They’d watch her jungle woman walk with just the right amount of sinew and jiggle and their eyes would narrow in Christian judgment.
And you just know a Christian woman reporter is an oxymoron.
And Deemer knew she was a jungle woman. The subtlest smirk would crease the side of her predatory mouth as she didn’t walk but rather stalked across the office. It was like dragging a stick along the bars of the lion cage. I had very little to do with Deemer because 1) I was in a relationship at the time and honored such things, and, 2) had I said anything to Deemer, it would have been an Alfalfa-esque and unmanly squeak of: “Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh.”
Once I had a conversation with Deemer. It was something like 197 outside and I was just going out the back door as she was coming in. A blast of sultry air — most of it coming off Susan — hit me and I came up with a witty observation worthy of Barney Fife: “Gosh. Sure is hot out here today.” Without breaking stride, Deemer smiled and said, in a husky voice: “Yes. It’s bikini weather.” Being the mature man I was, I fell to the ground and convulsed while fellow staffers tried to grab my tongue and elevate my head.
Deemer’s internship came and went and one Friday. The staff gave her a coffee-&-doughnut farewell breakfast. She left and I thought that was that. I’m a notorious night owl and later that night, or really, the next morning, I’m writing with the TV going. I glance over from time to time and about 10 minutes later, my neck nearly separated from my body. On the tube was this incredibly bad movie with your stereotypical outlaw biker hassling a leggy starlet in the skimpiest of lingerie.
My eyes bulged.
Not in late night cable depravation, mind you.
My eyes bulged in surprise.
The actress in the 0.000000003 ounces of underwear and brassiere was my former colleague, Susan Deemer. She was having a knife fight with the biker. It turned out that Susan owned her own Harley and had partially worked her way through USC J-School by acting in low-budget “D” movies, including the motorcycle epic I had stumbled upon: “Kill, Kill and Kill Again.” To this day, my shoulders straighten in pride. I worked with a genuine biker slut chick. Well. That’s not her in real life, just one of her screen personas.
I’m certainly not Dick Cavett, but I’ve got a few college units. I’m educated. And cultured — a smidge. But I suffer from the intellectual equivalent to an addiction to pizza and ice cream when it comes to biker movies. Right after World War II, the disenfranchised began to surface as protagonists in film and features. Tough, motorcycle riding ex-servicemen, without a war to wage, became America’s new anti-hero. Marlon Brando’s likeness as “The Wild One” is still one of the top-selling posters a half-century later. He offers, inarguably, one of the best comeback lines in all of moviedom when a wide-eyed groupie asks him what he’s protesting.
Effortlessly, Brando answered: “Whadya got?”
The Angry Biker became a metaphor for a lost hero. The cowboy roamed the vast stretches of plains and mountains like a noble knight, not so much looking to right a wrong, but unable to avoid it. The motorcycle antihero was usually a bitter, world-weary wanderer, a lost soul who had cast himself into hell and barely hanging on to a moral compass. I suppose it touches some small part in modern men. You don’t want to be completely evil, but you want to be feared. You want to write your own rules. You want to break away from society’s strangling time clock and lose yourself on the open road. You’d think such a deep character would attract the likes of Laurence Olivier or Charlton Heston, but, more often than not, the biker flick had forgettable casts. (I challenge anyone, without peeking, to name three people in one of my all-time favorites — “Werewolves on Wheels.”) This isn’t to say the biker movie hasn’t had its stars.
Peter Fonda will forever be remembered in the American independent classic, “Easy Rider.” Mel Gibson became an international star in “Mad Max.” Jack Nicholson would go on to win Oscars after starring in some eye-wateringly bad two-wheel epics. In these politically correct climes dominated by scowling wives with folded arms, not too many guys have the courage to demand “The Glory Stompers” be the featured film on family video night. But the outlaw motorcyclist still etches himself into America’s psyche and may be one of the last bastions of masculinity in the 21st century. One of TV’s top cable shows was the biker soap, “Sons of Anarchy.”
If the wife or sweetheart is out of town, or a guy is simply going through that Mid-life Motorcycle Crisis Thing, the following is a cheaper, and safer way to fine an outlet for all that testosterone. Here is a list, ranked in order of importance, of… The Greatest Biker Movies of All Time…
No. 1 — “The Wild One” (1953) — Duh. No brainer. Whatever you think of his politics or girth in later years, it’s easy to see how Marlon Brando became an enduring icon throughout his film career. “The Wild One” is easily the best — and first — biker movie. The 1953 classic also looks at perhaps the screen’s most versatile actors ever — Lee Marvin — as the sometimes clownish, always dangerous villain. The opening of the big bikes eating up the open road and coming right at the audience is still one of the classic scenes.
No. 2 — “Werewolves on Wheels.” (1971) — OK. I am probably America’s only film critic to place this eclectic offering as the second-best biker flick of all time. Certainly, even the most ardent of movie buffs may have never have heard of “W.O.W.” You can buy the CD on obscure video web sites. With its creative camera work and actually, not bad acting, this delicious drive-in horror flick follows The Advocates, a group of renegade bikers who stumble upon a satanic monastery and are turned into motorcycle-driving wolfmen, which, you have to admit, would be a great name for a garage band.
No. 3 — “Easy Rider” (1969) — Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper are still cult figures for this salute to hippies and drug dealers. It was certainly a film for its generation, taking Marlon Brando’s “Whatya got” protest attitude to the next level. While I was shocked at the time at the ending, I am now politically conservative and can see, and, perhaps, enjoy, the Republican Southern farmer in the pick-up shooting the drug-addict welfare state longhairs.
No. 4 — “CC & Company” (1970) —At the time, New York Jets and Super Bowl champ quarterback Joe Namath was one of the most popular people on the planet. And, a really bad actor. Joe’s paired with sex kitten Ann-Margret and what makes this 1970 offering worth the microwave popcorn is the menacing William Smith. In real life, Smith flirted with the outlaw biker life and, interestingly, I think he holds the world record for Biker Movie Appearances. More fascinating when you see his work is that Smith was quite the intellectual in real life. He taught Russian at UCLA.
No. 5 — “Mad Max” (1979) — You’ll actually see shades of “Hamlet” in Mel Gibson’s Australian post-apocalyptic biker tome. The grieving hero, doomed to repair a world gone medieval, battles psychotic bikers who rob the lawman of everything he loves. Max gets his revenge and then some. What makes this movie interesting is that you can see how Gibson will use Mad Max as a basis of moral ambiguity in everything from “Maverick” to “Lethal Weapon.”
No. 6 — “Stone Cold” (1991) — Brian Bosworth was supposed to be the next Dick Butkis in the NFL. His Overhypeness (not his own fault, by the way) was a disappointment as a pro football player and he certainly isn’t going to be doing “Glengarry Glen Ross” soon. But what makes yet another Cop Goes Undercover To Fight Bikers flick excellent, in a mental junk food sort of way, are the co-stars — Lance Henriksen as the gang leader with the great smile and throaty laugh and the King of “B” villains, William Forsythe as the Sergeant of Arms.
No. 7 — “Beyond the Law” (1992) — Around the time, the nation was being wowed by the true-life adventures of an undercover cop who goes into super deep cover in joining a hard corps motorcycle gang. Cripes, how it pains me to write this, but His Knuckleheadedness Charlie Sheen turned in a strong performance as Dan Saxon, the cop who teeters between good and evil. Lots of blood, guts and smoking tires.
No. 8 — “Northville Cemetery Massacre” (1976) — The real-life outlaw motorcycle gang, the Detroit Scorpions are featured, and, next to “Werewolves on Wheels,” this may just be the bloodiest biker flick every produced. You may not believe the story line, but a motorcycle gang takes over a small town and the sheriff tries to stop them!
No. 9 — “Electra Glide in Blue” (1973) — This has that great opening of all those tall, strapping motorcycle cops lined up in the desert. At the end of the line is the smallest officer — future alleged wife-murderer, Robert Blake. In this classic, Blake goes over to the dark side when he befriends hippies. A Palmdale-must! (Wouldn’t that be karmic if Charlie Sheen, Robert Blake and O.J. Simpson made biker/wife beater flick? Wouldn’t pay a nickel to see it.)
No. 10 — “The Losers” (1970) — This film is politically important today. What with the war on Islamic terrorists, I’d love to see an updated remake. An American diplomat gets kidnapped and the CIA recruits THE HELL’S ANGELS!!!! to rescue him. Leader Link (who else, the muscular and scowling William Smith) go cruising on their choppers deep into Cambodia to open a 128-ounce of whipa$$ on the commie so-&-so’s.
No. 11 — “The Loveless” (1982) — This was Willem Dafoe’s first starring role. It’s a forgotten cult favorite in which Willem bumps into a gang of bikers deep in the Florida boonies and explores sex and violence and the meaning of life.
No. 12, 13 & 14 — (TRIPLE TIE!!!) “Hells Angels ‘69” (1969) & “Wild Angels” (1966) & “Born Losers” (1967) — For obvious thematic purposes, we needed our list to have 13 contenders. But, somehow I goofed in counting and ended up with 14 and was too lazy to cut one. Anyway. “Hell’s Angels ‘69” actually carries Sonny Barger, the Oakland president and world spiritual leader of the controversial outlaw biker — ahem — “club” in the credits as the lead actor. Also starring are actual Hell’s Angels. Pretty scary. It’s also worth the rental price just to see them roar up the Las Vegas strip, before it looked like Disneyland. Also, the story is pretty clever — sort of an “Ocean’s 11” with Harleys.
The studio tagline for “Wild Angels” is: “Their credo is violence… their god is hate… and they call themselves, “The Wild Angels.” How can you go wrong with Peter Fonda AND Nancy Sinatra starring in a film directed by “B” movie king Roger Corman and co-starring — get this: Bruce Dern, Dianne Ladd and Michael J. Pollard?
Two words for “Born Losers” — Billy Jack. This is the debut of writer, director, star Tom Laughlin, who plays a Vietnam vet who breaks the bones of pert near everybody. It’s actually better than the preachy sequel, “Billy Jack.”
Honorable Mentions:
• “Angels Hard as they Come” (1971) stars a young Scott Glen. Movie was written by Jonathan Demme. How can you resist the poster tease: “Big men with throbbing machines… and the girls who take them on”? • “Biker Boyz” (2003) Yes. That’s Laurence Fishburn playing “Smoke,” the king of illegal street bike racers. Pretty good flick. Here’s some trivia. Lauren Hutton plays Rita Nebraska, the female lead. That part was originally offered to Grace Slick. Sorry. Can’t see it… • “Little Fauss & Big Halsy” (1970) Not exactly a biker flick, but you might get your girlfriend to sit with this because star Robert Redford is young, has muscles and is shirtless throughout most of the flick. • “Girls From Thunderstrip” (1966) Biker chicks vs. hillbillies. In Appalachia. Co-starring disc jockey Casey Kasem. That’s a definite gotta- see. We’re actually elevating that to a “Gotta-see & Order Pizza.”
Other Films Deserving a Late Night Peek
“The Miniskirt Mob;” “Hell’s Bells;” “Angels From Hell;” and, “The Glory Stompers.”
Special Biker Oscar
I’m calling for Lifetime Achievement Academy Award for the best performance by an actor portraying a biker going to Randall “Tex” Cobb in “Raising Arizona.” If you disagree, me and Tex will kick your patoodie until your nose bleeds.
John Boston has earned 119 major awards for writing stuff. Besides The Mighty West Ranch Beacon, his work appears in the prestigious thebostonreport.net just about every darn day. His commentaries represent his own opinions and not necessarily the views of any organization he may be affiliated with or those of the West Ranch Beacon. Read Boston’s daily blog, his Daily English Muffins, the Adventures of Job Hunter and more of John Boston’s award-winning commentary on thebostonreport.net
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