This is a tale about the most ambitious married couple in Scotland – Lord and Lady Macbeth. It’s a tragedy these two were just too smart for the Scots. For years, the Macbeths hurdled to the highest circles of Scotland by stepping over mysterious dead bodies. Here are the Macbeths now, eating their usual pizza dinner at the ends of a long table lined with empty chairs. But are those chairs so empty?
Scene I. Lady Macbeth (digging out pepperoni from her pizza): Macbeth, who is that ghoul suddenly sitting next to me and watching me eat my Papa John’s pizza? Out, damned spot!
As Macbeth looks down the deep table to his wife at the other end, the ghost of Banquo appears.
Macbeth: That’s no ghoul, my peroxide wife. That’s just old buddy Banquo, taking a break from being dead to be sure I’m behaving myself. He probably heard that nasty rumor that I killed him because he knew too much. See how mad he looks because I’m still getting the back end of all that slander. It’s all right, Banquo.
Lady Macbeth: Well, are you behaving yourself?
Macbeth: It depends on what you mean by “behaving?”
Lady Macbeth: Gawd! Another ghoul just took the seat right next to him. I hate this.
Macbeth: Oh that’s just old pal Vincent Foster. You remember him, don’t you? The one who was our deputy attorney general? He done made a big mistake that day he shot himself in the back of the head in the dark of a forest. Old Vincent was in charge of your Whitewater papers. Remember?
Lady Macbeth: Oh yes. But we took all those papers out of his office.
Macbeth: Thanks to me. That was me remember standing at Vincent’s door, with the cops in front of me saying they want to take Foster’s papers, and me saying, “You mean you want to take the papers away from a dead man?” It took all my clout as president to get those papers out of there. Look how mad Vince looks at this injustice I get!
Lady Macbeth: And what are those weird sealed boxes that just now appeared? Eek!
Macbeth: Have no fear, Illinois woman. Big Chief Bubba made sure Whitewater papers finally died and went to Heaven. Now no one will hassle us over them. Like someone said, we’ve been there and we’ve done that. But after a while people get so tired of investigating our stuff that they just have to stop it
Lady Macbeth: Zounds! A grimacing man has now on the chair next to my Whitewater papers looks he wants to bite me.
Macbeth: Oh, that’s just the ghost of old buddy James McDougal. Yeah, look how mad he is about all the doo-doo being thrown at me just because I was his friend. Remember he made me governor of Arkansas by using his depositor money in his bank to finance my campaign. What a buddy, for him to then go to prison for me. And I was so upset when he mysteriously died, just before getting out of prison to tell the world everything he knew about your cash shelters, my dear peroxide wife.
Lady Macbeth: And now who is that woman sitting next to James McDougal, snarling at you?
Macbeth: Oh that’s the Little Rock woman who was always trying to sue me for raping her back when I was attorney general. She’s not snarling at me, she’s snarling at the right-wing conspiracy who hypnotizes her into thinking I raped her with my sun glasses on. You see, she’s really, really mad at the way I get so maligned.
Lady Macbeth: Well. Did you rape her with your sun glasses on?
Macbeth: Why would I keep my dark glasses on?
Lady Macbeth: And who is that fat lady Vernon Jordan and Betty Currie are carrying in here in a litter?
Macbeth: That’s no lady. That’s Monica Lewinsky. Hey, Monica. Remember me from down under?
Lady Macbeth: Excuse me, Macbeth. Can you tell me something? How am I supposed to get you back into the White House on my ballot with all these snarling ghosts following us around?
Macbeth: There’s one sure way to get rid of ghosts. Come on, Vernon . Come on Banquo. A one. A two. A three.
The entire cast in a chorus line: We blame the ghosts haunting the Macbeth Castle on ye old right-wing conspiracy!
Black out of stage
Next: The Macbeths go for the California Primary.
Bill Shakespeare Political Commentary
William Shakespeare is an aspiring playwright currently writing for the Beacon under the ghost name “Bill Shakespeare.” His commentaries represent his own opinions and not necessarily the views of any organization he may be affiliated with or those of the West Ranch Beacon.