(Note to reader: I have finally figured out why I was destined to own the initials “BS.”  It turns out that it is the perfect byline for covering the 2008 presidential election.  And nowhere is there more of this – more of “BS” – than in the current presidential campaign of Lady Macbeth, running on behalf of her husband, Macbeth himself.  Here they are now in my new play I will simply call “Macbeth.”  Shhh.  They can get very mean when they find someone looking into what they are actually doing.- Bill Shakespeare)
 


Scene One.  The Hall of Mirrors in the Macbeth Castle.
 
Macbeth:  Well, Illinois wife of mine, I guess it’s time to look into the most pressing issue of our times.
 
Lady Macbeth:  What is it today?  Iraq?  Iran?  Global warming?
 
Macbeth:  Nothing so ulcerating, my poor serious northern woman.  The issue of the day is, Am I still more popular with Americans than Elvis?
 
Lady Macbeth:  Of course you’re more popular than Elvis, my hurly-burly husband.  As they say, you ain’t nothing but a hound dog, oh yeah.
 
Macbeth:  Every perp in America still loves me, I take it.
 
Lady Macbeth:  Yes, you are the pin-up boy for all the perps who can vote in America.  Because you are the one perp in America who always wins in the end, you Comeback Kid you.
 
Macbeth:  Then according to my calculations, with the Elvis vote and the perp vote on our side, all we have to do to become president this election is just sit back and win.  Order some pizza, lucky woman.  We have a guest coming.
 
Lady Macbeth: I just have a question, Macbeth.  With the California primary coming along, we have a big African-American vote we have to deal with.
 
Macbeth:  That’s great.  Since I was the first black president, California is a slam-dunk for us.
 
Lady Macbeth:  How could you be the first black president?
 
Macbeth:  Because I say so.  Wait a minute.  (He opens a box and sets a video camera.)  I was the first black president because I said so.  (He shakes his finger at the video camera as he had used his finger on the American people when he said, “I did not have sex with that woman.”).
 
Lady Macbeth:  Well let me show you some written editorials that say your presidency did less for African-Americans than any president since Herbert Hoover.
 
Macbeth:  I don’t care.  I’ll bet they were all written by Norman Podhoretz.  How many black voters read Norman Podhoretz?
 
Lady Macbeth:  Well, this commentary goes into detail about how your welfare reform turned out really hurt African-American families.
 
Macbeth:  There you go.  Commentary.  Podhoretz wrote it.  A leader of the right-wing conspiracy, no less.
 
Lady Macbeth:  Anyway now there is evidence that your welfare reform didn’t even save taxpayers any money.  It just rerouted aid to mothers into aid to hellhole day care centers.  And they say that 50 percent of the children coming out of those hellhole centers are on a path to prisons when they get older, which means even more taxes on Americans. 
 
Macbeth:  So what?  Ken Starr wanted to send 50 percent of us to prison. 
 
Lady Macbeth: Well, here is a story in the LA Times that says a lot of California’s African-American voters identify more with Obama than with us.  It happens that Obama is a natural leader and … well, he’s just a nicer person than either of us, damn it.  Out, damned spot.
 
Macbeth:  Trouble with you, Lady Macbeth, is that you’ve never grown up in the South, and you never will never understand the social validation that a big handsome white man like me in a nice suit can give shaking a black person’s hand.  (The doorbell rings).  That must be my guest.  I hope we get that pizza real soon.
 
(Jesse Jackson enters the Hall of Mirrors).
 
Macbeth:  Hey, Jesse.  What’s up, fool?
 
Jesse Jackson:  Skip the pseudo-ebonics, Macbeth.  What do you need me for now?
 
Macbeth:  Pizza’s coming in a few minutes.  Sit down and let me
tell you.  The California primary’s coming up and I need you around me for about a month to shake your hand in front of photographers.
 
Jesse Jackson:  That’s all I ever did when you were in the White House.
 
Macbeth:  Well, obviously it worked then. We need another big black bloc to support us in the California primary.
 
Jesse Jackson:  What do I get out of all this public hand shaking with you?
 
Macbeth:  Front page pictures every week.
 
Jesse Jackson:  Okay.  I’ll take that.
 
Macbeth:  Hee haw!  (He can’t help himself.  He brings out a saxophone he has kept nearby, and he jams in front of Jesse Jackson and Lady Macbeth until the lights fade for the end of scene).
 
                                              Blackout
 Bill ShakespeareCommentary