Sometimes, you compose an essay and the repercussions can be so overwhelming one must take long and serious walks in the woods to make sure one is making the right decision.
OK.
To quote the Tweedy Bird: “If I dood it. I donah dit a wippin’.”
OK.
I dood it.
It seems a Swedish research company plans to develop the first female crash dummy.
You see, in the past, all those anatomically correct dummies smashing into concrete walls have been male.
To date, all crash tests have been conducted to test how a guy’s body would react in a collision. But, in rear-end accidents, the risk for whiplash is twice as great for women as for men.
So, the Chalmers University of Technology in Gothenburg is, as the Reuters news agency announced: “researching how a female body moves as a first step in building the dummy.”
Alone, at home, as I write this, I can smile. But out there, in the politically correct world, there’s no way I could snigger after uttering the phrase: “Building the dummy” associated with the Frankensteinian task of creating a woman from scratch.
A guy could get whacked up side the head with a purse.
A female crash dummy.
Does that come with a lead foot and mascara brush glued to the left hand?
Is there a delayed stress reaction programmed in because the dummy will continue chatting unaware on the cell phone a full five minutes after T-boning a van full of nuns?
This female crash dummy. Does it come equipped with…
Dear Mr. Boston:
As the Secretary of State, it has come to my attention that you and your people (non-neutered heterosexual males) have been secretly making fun of women and women drivers over the years, despite all our overwhelming victories in The Women’s Movement over your knuckleheaded species.
Let me assure you, little mister, that you and your type’s days are numbered, or my name isn’t Hillary Rodham Cl…
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Painted tubby whores of Babylon! I’m about to T-bone a van full of nuns!!!!
Whoops. Thirteen sisters. There goes a baker’s dozen sure-fire votes for Hilly in Decision 2016.
Just whom will the generic crash test dummy look like?
I can’t imagine Uma Thurman, Charlize Theron or the big monkey fella King Kong Himself’s love interest, Naomi Watts, being used as a likeness.
There isn’t a nerd on the planet who would have the heart to manipulate a Volvo to go faster than 1.3 mph into a pylon with the likeness of pouty Jennifer Connolly strapped inside.
If I’m one of the techs with the Coke-bottle glasses rushing to collect data post collision, I’d be shoving and elbowing while shouting: “Keep your filthy mitts off her, I saw her first!”
And what’s to stop a lonely lab boy from checking out the female wreck dolls for a weekend of dimly lit bars, walks by the Golden Gate Bridge and a stroll back to mom’s house where the techie lives for a late night drink of Ovaltine and near beer?
“Female crash test dummy? There’s never been a woman like you who understands me the way you do. There never will. Want to go steady and watch Star Trek?”
What about a Palmdale female test robot? I’m seeing something about 600 pounds, chain-smoker, in flip-flops and a Ross Dress For Less mu-mu.
Science thought:
When you weigh over 600 pounds, does that mean you can become your own, personal air bag?
I wonder if the new crash test dummies will have even a passing resemblance to Hillary?
If that were to be true, perhaps there is some joke about technicians sprinting up to the smoldering wreckage to pound a wooden stake into the mannequin’s heart.
Alas, after the proper hand signals, I think I’m going to just safely steer around it.
John Boston- Commentary
John Boston, aka Mr. Santa Clarita Valley, was recently named Best Humor Writer in North America to go along with 117 other major writing awards. Visit his webpage, www.thebostonreport.net.