Mark your calendars. It’s nearly flu season. I’m still toying with the idea of getting a shot. The other day, I was at the vet, reading the warning on the latest vaccine. The 2009 potion, DE-SWINEANOL™ gave me pause. Here. Read the warning on the side of the bottle:
“WARNING: While DE-SWINEANOL™ may relieve some cold and flu-like symptoms, we’d like to point out that if you’re pregnant, you shouldn’t even be in the same state with an open bottle of this stuff unless you want to give birth to lab frogs. Not that we’re saying our product causes Satanism in infants. Back in 1972, we acquired the formula from John Bonham, that self-destructive drummer guy from Led Zeppelin. Bonham said while DE-SWINEANOL™ gave him hysterical religious visions, it completely cured his deviated septum and removed a few bothersome body warts from a bass player who just happened to be standing next to him. We’ve added a few macrocompounds ourselves to the formula — the very same that Jon from Jon & Kate Minus 8 took out from their joint checking account. So, it’s one of those boundary questions you’re going to have to ask yourself: “Do I want eyesight, or an 8-inch nasal passage?
“We further would like to advice any potential user of DE-SWINEANOL™ that the bottle shouldn’t be opened near a lit stove. This product especially shouldn’t be sold to terrorists and while we’d like to point out that DE-SWINEANOL™ had NOTHING TO DO with the death or facial disfiguration of Michael Jackson, you really don’t want to chug-a-lug this stuff like you’re rushing a college fraternity.
“DE-SWINEANOL™ contains the active ingredient Buncha-radioactive-chloride, i.e., bleach. It’s the stuff lesbians use to pretend their guys and set Olympic world records. Don’t use more than an eye-drop because, if you do, A) you’ll melt all your capillaries and capillaries are part of a program for building a strong, healthy body; or B) you will rip off all your clothes and dance with gay abandon like you’re auditioning for the lead in the next “Woodstock III” movie.
“On the bright side, you will have clear sinuses.
“While we’ll act indignant and deny this in court later, you probably wouldn’t want to DE-SWINEANOL™ before studying for tests or operating heavy equipment. Like Oprah. What’s the deal Oprah and all those chins? She’s a thick piece of cake. She wouldn’t be if she used DE-SWINEANOL™ because, after minimal usage, you’ll look like Keith Richards in the Rolling Stones. You’ll talk like him, too.
“ ‘I uh (suppressed laughter) you know, uh, ah, blimey,’” Keith always says. The makers of DE-SWINEANOL™ note that while our decongestant is this generation’s airplane glue and is responsible for the birth of skateboarding, we’d also like point out that after ingesting DE-SWINEANOL™, skateboarders can smell a dead rabbit 90 miles away in a driving rain.
Sure. DE-SWINEANOL™ rots your brain and smells like crop spray. But hey. I can breathe. And I just saw Kate with all those babies surfing in a white tunnel of light.
John Boston, aka Mr. Santa Clarita Valley, was recently named Best Humor Writer in North America to go along with 117 other major writing awards. Tune in to his radio show, The Former Friends of John Boston on KHTS, Mondays at 2 p.m., or catch the webcast on www.hometownstation.com or www.SCVTV.com. And, don’t forget to visit his webpage, www.thebostonreport.net.